


In From the Cold My Love, Jensen, Jared, R

by meus_venator



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, hooker!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 18:25:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meus_venator/pseuds/meus_venator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s almost Christmas and it's been nearly a year since Danneel left, nearly a year since Jensen began punishing himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In From the Cold My Love, Jensen, Jared, R

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** In From the Cold My Love
> 
>  
> 
> **Author:**  
>  ****  
>   
> [](http://meus-venator.livejournal.com/profile)  
> [ **meus_venator** ](http://meus-venator.livejournal.com/)  
> 
> 
>  
> 
>  **Beta** : **[](http://novakev.livejournal.com/profile)[**novakev**](http://novakev.livejournal.com/)**
> 
>  **Pairing:** RPF, Jared, Jensen
> 
>  **Rating:** R 
> 
> **Words:** 3k
> 
>  **Warnings:** angst  
>  **Disclaimer:** Entirely fictional. This Jared and Jensen or any of the characters in this story are meant to in no way resemble anyone you know or have heard of.
> 
>  **Prompt:** For a non-schmoopy PG-13 hooker!fic for [](http://morgentau.livejournal.com/profile)[**morgentau**](http://morgentau.livejournal.com/) Yes, you read the rating correctly : ) I think in this case I skidded over into R.
> 
>  **Summary:** It’s almost Christmas and it's been nearly a year since Danneel left, nearly a year since Jensen began punishing himself.
> 
>  **AN:** Thanks so much to [](http://novakev.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://novakev.livejournal.com/)**novakev** for fitting in the so speedy Beta, especially at Christmas! Much appreciated my dear!  
> 

: : :

Jensen closed down his laptop, and felt a chill run through him. He felt so cold, it had been a tough day at the studio, the phone hadn’t stopped ringing and the rush to wrap things up for the Christmas break this past week meant everyone was working overtime and twice as hard as normal. He was tired, bone tired, but in a way that sleep just wasn’t going to cure.  
  
The CG work for their latest sci-fi blockbuster was running over budget, some minor starlet that had defected from Fox was giving him grief, and the power went down on Studio 6 and had shut down production of ‘Night Crawlers’ for half a day. Jensen rubbed his forehead; he didn’t want to think about what that was going to cost. The only bright spot of the whole freakin’ day had been Whedon’s script. It had looked so fantastic he had to stop himself from chuckling out loud with glee. People would think he was nuts…or more nuts. It had been a while since Jensen had laughed at anything.  
  
Thank god they were shutting down for the Christmas break. Christmas… Jensen swallowed as he felt the overwhelming sadness sweep through him. He glanced at the stack of messages and thumbed impatiently through them. Jared had called seven times, he must be back from filming Friday the 13th: The Reckoning. They had all been so happy for him when he landed the role post-SPN. Jensen, in his new Studio VP position and Jared as a big screen heart throb, who knew? But now the calls were just a nuisance, Jared biting at his heels constantly nagging, Misha’s calls, too many to number, and Danneel’s mom…. He couldn’t deal with that right now. Not now, maybe not ever.

  
: : :

Back at home he wandered aimlessly thought the empty loft, it was almost dark. Almost time to go. He was so tired, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. Couldn’t stop even if he wanted to; he just felt so dirty, so unworthy, this was the only thing that seemed to help. His soul ached, and he wanted to fall down on his knees and cry, sob. His fingers trailed across the soft leather of the sofa as he gazed unseeing over the LA skyline. His silhouette against the night sky painfully thin, he’d stopped eating regularly with no one to remind him. He wandered aimlessly, on purpose, into their bedroom, his bedroom and he carefully opened her side of the walk in closet. He kept it sealed to keep the scent in. The last remnant of Danneel in his life. He breathed her fragrance more subtle now with time; it had been almost year.  
  
His hands ghosted over the few remaining items not boxed up and shipped: a fuzzy pink angora sweater, some kind of sparkly club halter made of gold metal flecks, a couple pairs of shoes, and a few remaining purses. An odd mishmash of leftovers scattered like post-Boxing Day detritus on the shelves; he wondered at their rhyme or reason. She always was a purse fiend Jensen mused, had hundreds of them. He picked up the sweater and pushed it up into his face and breathed in. He knew how pathetic it was but he couldn’t help himself. He reached behind the last box on the shelf and pulled out the little case, unzipped it and brought the needle out. He licked his lips in anticipation. This is what he needed. Now it was the only thing he needed, this and to atone.

  
: : :

He was slammed up against the dumpster. The chill of the metal melted through his thin tee and his flesh shivered reactively as he tried to stiffen his legs and not fall. He gave up after a moment and let himself slide to his knees onto the wet pavement. The reek of spoiled garbage all around him. The hand grabbed his hair, couldn’t quite find purchase in his short locks, then moved to the nape of his neck. Grip tight and punishing. Jensen leaned back under the harshly clenched hand and nuzzled sinuously against the wrist. He turned his head, eyes dark slits of emerald in the shadowy alley, and sneered up at the man. “That the best you got sweetheart?”

  
: : :

He woke bleary eyed and hurting, groaning as he sat up. His knees and backside ached and there were new bruises on his ribs. He held his arms around his aching chest and winced as he rose, tender and stiff-legged and made his way to the bathroom. The Warner’s meeting was at nine sharp and he had to haul ass to get there on time, his driver was probably already downstairs waiting. He would wear the green tie today, the one Danneel had got him for his birthday.

  
: : :

The day was another blur of meetings and phone calls. He dodged three more calls from Jared and one from Misha, he rubbed his face and wished they would go and live their own lives and leave him to the mess that was now his.  
  
He didn’t get home till dark; the last conference call with the film crew in Japan had taken longer than expected. The answering machine light blinked red, a reminder of 12 messages glowed condemningly at him. He hit the play button and Jared’s soft voice began to roll out of the machine, “Hey man… It’s me. Call me. Listen I know it’s comin’ up on a year now and I know you’re hurtin’ - call me man.” Jensen smashed his finger down on the delete button and turned the machine off, he knew the other 11 messages would be similar appeals. He just wanted to be alone.

  
: : :

The grip on his head was crushing, and he could barely breath as the man above him pounded into him and swelled to block his breathing. He stared up above the coarse heaving body into the night sky as tiny flecks of snow fell out of the light-contaminated sky. He felt the darkness creep toward him and raised his arms up. A shabby supplicant plugged by punishing flesh on his knees. There were tears in the corners of his eyes, and he blinked trying to clear them away as the black continued to expand, narrowing his field of view. Maybe it would all just end here tonight.  
  
The city lights flickered out of view as Jensen folded to the earth. The john disgusted withdrew with a wet sound as he slipped free. He scattered a few crumped bills over Jensen’s splayed out body, as he lay unconscious and shivering in the fresh dusting of snow and retreated into the night.

  
: : :

They had been arguing, a lot of arguing back then and driving to the Christmas party Jensen had smashed his hand on the wheel and said, “Danneel, god damnit I wasn’t flirting with the girl, Jesus, she wanted to know about Jared. She was a freakin’ Sam girl for Pete’s sake and the daughter of the studio VP, I couldn’t just blow her off if I wanted to. I was just being polite.”  
  
“Jesus Jen, you’re so naïve. Have you looked in the mirror lately? They all want you. Maybe you’re bored with me. All those business trips and screaming fans…and I – I’m so fat…you can’t want me now…I- I just can’t compete.”

  
: : :

Jensen was flying high as he strode down the wide walkway. The needle had plunged so easily between the webbing of his toes; now the city lights made strange blurred contrails in the night sky. December in LA was cold and damp, only slight dalliances with snow that never lasted. Clad only in skin-tight thin jeans, torn at the knees, and a tight white t-shirt only stretching down to midriff, even his overheated flesh was freezing. Jensen tossed his head and braced his arms around himself and pushed onwards, he was almost there. He reached the corner, his corner, home. So much like, but miles away from where it all started. He’d been sixteen the first time… cold, hungry, desperate. He thought he’d worked his way past this, to something better. But scum always slid to the bottom and it was the first thing he turned to after Danneel. Retreated to what he knew best, even after all these years. The only thing he was worthy of, the only thing he deserved.  
  
It was a bit off the main drag, the thrum of the overhead freeway traffic nearby a constant sound. Not as well traveled as the wider boulevard, but had the virtue of being independent. No pimps patrolled this part of the walk, and Jensen and a few others took the diminished traffic in return for independence. As he found a spot along the wall he could hear the bang of the trash bins in the alley just behind him as one of the kitchen staff cleaned up for the evening. The soft tuneless whistle as the man went about his work.  
  
Jensen licked his lips nervously, it was always like this for the first trick of the evening, until he got in the groove, softened by heroin and troweled over by self loathing, until he lost himself in the degradation. He deserved this. If he’d been a better man, a better husband, he wouldn’t be alone tonight. He slouched against the brick wall and waited; tried to ignore the freezing cold as it seeped through the thin cloth and the glares of the other hookers. They didn’t like new competition on their corner, but at 6’ no one was going to confront him head on about it. He relaxed and let his head slump toward his chest and waited.

  
: : :

Work again, the bright morning sunrise hurt his eyes and he was finding it harder to hide the bags under his eyes. The hot, bright release of guilt seemed to elude him these days no matter what he did, how much he took - the ache in his chest, in his heart remained. He shook his head wearily. People looked at him strangely, but as long as he did his job, kept his shit wired tight, what should they care what he did outside the office. He just had to avoid Jared’s calls. He’d be out of town soon anyway with his new film starting, and then maybe Jensen would get some peace.

  
: : :

There was something hinky about his second trick of the evening that set Jensen’s alarm bells ringing even through the lassitude of the drugs. The john slammed him up against the wall.  
  
“What the fuck are you trying to pull here boy? I thought we had a deal.”  
  
“I-I made a mistake… sorry… fuck..I have to go.”  
  
“No, there ain’t been no mistake, I’m ready to pay you good money and I want my blowjob,” the john grabbed Jensen by the arm and twisted him back around.  
  
“You got something wrong with your hearing man. I said I don’t want your money. I- I have to go.” Jensen tried unsuccessfully to tear his arm out of the man’s grip.  
  
The john’s face was getting red and distorted as alcohol-fueled rage funneled through him.  
  
“You worthless little shit, no one turns me down, certainly not an over the hill twink wannabe like you. Now down on your knees.”  
  
The man twisted Jensen’s arm ruthlessly and shoved him down. With a sharp cry Jensen fell, his head cracked against the brick wall behind him and he saw stars. As he folded to the ground arms stretched out to stop his fall the john purposefully stepped on his hand and ground down on it with his booted heel.  
  
Jensen sobbed and hunched over his wounded limb. He looked up bewildered just in time to see the man’s fist coming toward his face. He cried out as the blow knocked him sideways and he twisted and fell, felt blood on his face, warm in the cool night air. This was getting tiresome. The other hookers had mysteriously disappeared from the corner at the first sign of trouble. This wasn’t Pretty Woman, Jensen thought and smirked and you ain’t Richard Gere as the belligerent john roared toward him.  
  
He had just managed to curl himself sideways to avoid the worst of the man’s fists and boots not even bothering to wonder why he wasn’t fighting back when a tall blue blur flung by him and tackled the john to the ground. The huge figure crouched over the john, fists pounding into his gut and face until the man’s harsh grunts went silent. Jensen tried to focus on who his rescuer was but his shaking arm would no longer support him and he slumped to the ground, rolled on to his back and stared weakly up at the night sky to await the end. He was drifting in and out of consciousness when he felt large hands grip his shoulders and raise him up. A soft concerned voice whispered in his ear, “Jen, Jen, Jesus are you okay? Why are you doing this to yourself man?”  
  
“Leave me the fuck alone Jared…” Jensen breathed out, a tired sigh on his lips. “Once a whore, always a whore.”  
  
“Jen man, cut yourself some slack, you… you never cheated on Danneel.”  
  
“But I wasn’t there for her when she needed me, I was with another woman.” Jensen’s started to sob, messy, heart wrenching sobs as tears streamed down his cheeks.  
  
“Jensen, listen to yourself, you’ve got this so wrong, so twisted in your head. She walked out on you. Left you. And who would know that would happen.”  
  
“But I stayed, I enjoyed it.” He wailed.  
  
“You’re a healthy 34 year old, you’re not dead. It was a party man. You were having a good time. People, talking, laughter, maybe a little too much to drink. God Jen you were going through a rough patch, and when was the last time you laughed for fuck sakes. So a woman flirted with you at the party, so you flirted back, I was there, it was nothing… Danneel was tired, she didn’t have to storm out.”  
  
“But if I wasn’t such a whore, wasn’t...” Jensen turned and buried his face in Jared’s jacket as another full body sob pulled from his throat. The cry of a wounded animal.  
  
“No, stop, it was just ‘normal couple’ stuff. Normal hormone stuff. She was pregnant, emotions all over the place, it didn’t mean anything. You didn’t mean anything, it was just bad timing. There was no way to know she’d get hit by a car. It wasn’t even her fault, and it wasn’t yours!!! Who do you think you are, God, to be responsible for all this?”  
  
Jared hauled Jensen up against his chest and held him tight, rocked him as the smaller man sobbed. “Jen, Jensen…You didn’t do anything wrong, you weren’t a whore then and you’re not one now. You’re a great guy, my best friend. You pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and made something of yourself. You’re just a guy hurting because the love of his life died under terrible circumstances. Maybe the last time you fought, but Jesus you guys loved each other…s-she wouldn’t want you to be doing this Jen, wouldn’t want you to be hurting yourself like this. How is pulling tricks going to bring her back…or t-the baby? Baiting johns into kicking the shit out of you until what, you’re dead like her, like them?” Jared looked at him with sad eyes.  
  
Jensen jerked his head and peered at his friend. How did he…  
  
“You’re so freakin’ transparent Jensen, you think we didn’t know. Know you’re destroying yourself? Is that what you think Danneel would want you to do, kill yourself? She loved you man. Fiercely, devotedly, it’s a wonder she hasn’t come back as a ghost to haunt your stupid ass.  
  
“She loved that pretty face of yours. Loved you man, knew who you were to the core. Loyal and kind and all hers, no one else’s, and something you did 20 years ago as a desperate lost kid, you think she’d hold that against you? Any little squabble you might have had before she died was nothing compared to what you had. Don’t dishonor that, her memory or the baby’s, it was conceived in love.”  
  
Jared brushed his hands over his mouth and looked into Jensen’s eyes, worry and sorrow showing on his face, “It needs to stop now. It’s been almost a year since she died. It’ll be a year tomorrow. You have to let her go, let yourself heal, forgive...”  
  
Jensen looked at his friend with bloodshot eyes, his lips tightened in exhaustion. He was so very tired. Tired of hurting, tired of missing her. He’d lost everything and all he had left was a dark pit of pain that yawned wider and deeper before him with every step. It was coming down to a decision to live or die, simple as that, the path he was on right now, he wasn’t going to be on for very long at this rate and he finally knew it. He felt a cold shiver run down his spine, and thought of what Danneel might want for him and he looked back up at Jared’s exhausted worried face and licked his lips and nodded.  
  
“Good man. A good first step. I’m taking you home with me, and I’m not letting you out of my sight until we’ve got you thinking right again. Misha’s going to meet us there.” Jared hauled Jensen up into his arms and started to carry him over to his car. Jensen squawked, “What are you doing you big Moose!!! Put me down, I’m not a girl,” he grumbled, but slid back weakly into Jared’s embrace. Jared laughed softly and said “Ah shut up. I’m doing this.” He leveraged Jensen to his feet and as he helped settle him into the car Jensen asked, “H-how did you find me?”  
  
“Ah, when you wouldn’t answer my messages I started stalking you.” Jared scratched his head sheepishly. “Went full on Sam on your ass, research and stake out and everything, I finally figured out that you were sneaking out in the evenings when no one answered the door after you went home. This was the first night I was able to follow you all the way here. You kept giving me the slip. Then I saw you with the- the first guy and it just confirmed my suspicions. I was going to stop you…confront you, but then this jerk went psycho on your ass and well we needed an intervention. Of course that was just the first intervention, now we’ll get to work on you.”  
  
As he started the car Jared turned up the heat and Jensen thought absently that he felt warm for the first time in a long time.  
  
“What’d I ever do to deserve a friend like you?” Jensen huffed out voice soft and fond as the car started up and they drove away.  
  
“Just lucky I guess. Jerk…”  
  
“Bitch…”

: : :

Comments?

  



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